GUNS GUNS GUNS A GUEST EDITORIAL BY OUR OLD PAL B'SKI MOPJ, Safety First! If you are unfamiliar with firearms and are going to purchase and practice with them GET A PROFESSIONAL to help you. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. One little mistake and the consequences could be dire indeed, and in more ways than you can possibly imagine. Your man Swampwitch is full of shit. This guy obviously has never had to use his coveted Mini-14 in a combat/defense situation of any kind. I agree, the Ruger mini-14 is a fine weapon, they are used extensively by law enforcement and most prison guard towers are manned using these weapons. (Attica?) They also make a GREAT varmint rifle. They are reliable, accurate, heavy, and DEADLY. They are chambered for the popular but somewhat expensive .223 cal military round (about .50 cents a round for decent, stable, storable ammo). They do NOT however cost $1,000-$2,000 (I can get a new Stainless Steel Mini-14 at the local hardware store for $779.00 and they’ll even throw in a cheap scope). They are NOT very light, especially after you accessorize them with scope, folding stock, flash hider/muzzle brake, etc. They are NOT a good SURVIVAL weapon! Also the addition of Swampwitch's suggested 30 round magazine would add considerable weight especially when using taped or clipped double magazines. The aforementioned cost will add up to Swampwitch's estimates once outfitted with said accessories. Also, contrary to Swampwitch's assertion, they DO KICK!! And they are LOUD as ALL HELL! If you can't live without the accuracy and lethality of the .223 cartridge, then the Bushmaster AR-15 would be a better choice as it is MUCH lighter than the Ruger and spare parts will be easily found on the enemy. (UN and US troops use the M16) The Bushmaster is a hot-rodded version of Uncle Sam's piece of shit Colt AR-15/M-16, but with highly accurized parts, a composite upper reciever, and a much lower failure rate. Also, accessories and upgrades are more readily available for the Bushmaster. The cost of this weapon is more in line with Swimpwitch's guesstimate of $1-2K. You don't want to carry a Ruger Mini-14 in a survival situation, trust me. You may as well save the money and get an AK47/SKS if you want to drag an anchor around. $1.5-2K could be better spent. Weapons of choice for urban/wilderness End Times Games will fall into three categories: 1) A handgun of a popular caliber for close-in and/or concealed carry. 9mm or .45ACP semi automatic is the best choice. Some would argue that a revolver is a better choice because if you get a misfire, you can just pull the trigger again and you will have a fresh round chambered (provided the pistol is double action). If you think you can get the job done in six rounds, get a revolver. The reason for my choice here is the availability of "found ammo", and rapid fire capabilities. Most SWAT teams and Secret Service use the H-K MP5. These are 9mm rapid/select fire weapons designed for close in assault and supressive fire. Most cops use 9mm pistols. A laser is a cool thing to have because once you get used to the feel of the thing in your hand, and the bio-feedback of hand position vs. target becomes second nature, you will never need the laser again. This takes quite a bit of practice, but once acquired, is a skill you will never lose. How do you think some of these guitar players can grind through endless sets whilst drunk/stoned off their asses?? You pound it into the neurons! A reflex! No brain involvement at all.. I digress.... Ruger, H-K, Beretta, Sig Sauer (the Cadillac!), and Browning are best choices. Glocks look cool but they are junk, don't even look at them, they are too light to be accurate, are expensive, and have cheap parts. They are also known to accidently discharge at inopportune moments. There are also some brands that are considered throw aways but are really good bargains. These would be Taurus, Hi-Point etc. Some would argue that the 9mm lacks the stopping power of the .45ACP. Tell them to buy a box of 9mm "hydra shock" ammo at a gun show. This round is designed to "mushroom" perfectly, causing the maximum energy transfer and tissue damage. Same as the .45, but more rounds, less weight. High capacity magazines are available everywhere, and you can easily have multiple 16-30 round clips at your disposal with the addition of a few of these. They also balance the pistol in a unique way adding to accuracy. BTW... NEVER hold the fucking thing sideways like you see in the movies. This shit may look cool on TV but did you ever wonder why so many innocents die in drive-bys? That's because these dumb fuckers NEVER PRACTICE and couldn't hit the broadside of a fucking barn if they were standing on it. Always hold a firearm properly!! 2) A short barreled (18-1/2" is legal) pump shotgun of popular gauge for home defense, close-in intimidation and sure termination of target. 12 gauge OO buckshot makes for a messy, oozy corpse, and few survive on the business end. Depending on the length of the chamber 2-3/4" - 3-1/2" MAGNUMS will dispense (in one shot) anywhere from 9-15 lead pellets about the size of .38 cal slugs in a pattern determined by the distance to target and the length/choke of the barrel. THIS WILL WRECK SHIT!!! The ammo is cheap and plentiful and in some cases you will NEVER have to fire the thing. Trust me here... If you were stalking outside somebody's house and you heard that unmistakable SCHCLICK SCHLOCK of the pump on a "GAUGE" would you stick around??? Fuck no.. not if you had any sense. The Winchester model 1300 (under $250) is an affordable, reliable home defense weapon and can be wielded by even the most squeamish of wives and girlfriends. Just pop off the safety, point the fucker in the general direction of the perp, and hang on tight! These things WILL disperse the threat... all over the fucking place. These bastards kick like a bull moose, and are Very LOUD! Mossberg, Remington and Browning are ALL good shotguns, and remember, do not beat, berate or otherwise abuse your spouse or girlfriend after teaching her to shoot one. 3) A lightweight accurate rifle of popular (cheap) caliber for bagging small game and scoring head/neck shots at distance. For this (and many may disagree), I recommend the mighty .22LR. Oh yeah, I can hear your readers ROTFLTA'sO, but hear me out... The ammo is CHEAP!!!! Let me say that again for clarity The ammo is CHEEAAAPPP!! 500 rounds cost about $8, and you can put all 500 rounds in the pocket of your jacket. Try that with the .223. Practice all afternoon for TEN BUCKS!!! A middle of the road .22 rifle with a decent scope and a few extra magazines will run you about $200-$350, leaving plenty of $$$ left to buy the other two pieces and some ammo for ALL of them. I personally recommend the Ruger (yes Ruger) 10/22. This little dynamo is one of the best built most accurate and POPULAR of all the .22 rifles. They DO NOT KICK!! The recoil feels like a little tug on your shoulder and it is so well balanced that if you get your rhythm right, the cross hairs will settle right back on the bulls-eye in less than a microsecond, allowing the crafty, PRACTICED shootist to land two, three, maybe more rounds on nearly the same spot! More is better. I get nice tight groups at 100yds with a stock model. 50 Round mags are now available, fit without modification, and a shooter can EASILY carry 4 or 5 of these and still do the hundred in 13 flat through the underbrush. Bolt action rifles are much more accurate that their semi-auto counterparts, but may lead to problems where speed and spare parts come into play. A savvy, practiced shooter can do much more damage with a semi-auto .22LR with energy and rounds to spare. The cartridge may seem small, but the bullet is actually the SAME SIZE as Swampwitch's .223 (.22?) With hollowpoints and cool nerves you will prevail. The rifles are lightweight, durable, CHEAP, and easy to clean and maintain. Remeber, in an "endgame" situation you will be looking for your arms/ammo on the steaming corpses of your recent targets. You want to have on hand weapons chambered for the ammo most likely to be found on the enemy. POPULARITY IS KEY!! AK47/SKS (7.62X39mm) remains the MOST POPULAR IN THE ENTIRE WORLD and will be found most often!! So why buy when you can scavenge. YOP Swampwitch is probably typical of the macho urban survivalist types who lie in the midst of their gun collections and masturbate. They can't wait to amaze and intimidate their friends by showing off the whole collection everytime their friends stop by for a few beers, which is a really dumb fucking thing to do, especially if one of them gets jealous, or pissed off at you. Their Achilles Heel will be a choice between ammo and perhaps water or other necessities when the shit hits the fan and they have to "bug-out" and remain on the run. They probably own enough guns to outfit the entire neighborhood, but won't be able to make a sound decision in a snap as to which one to grab when the time comes. If he's not typical, fuck him anyway. I wouldn't want him on my team, and besides, my dogs will be hungry. If he's still in the city amongst the "crackheads" he's doomed anyway. As mentioned above, don't be a fool and show them off to every friend and casual acquaintance. You never know when one of them will get arrested and start singing the praises of your personal defenses to the man. A freind of mine once quipped: "I'd rather be caught with one than without one." Happy hunting! Cheers, YOPBski [Wow. Thanks for that turorial! Although you could have laid off the slams against Swampwitch. What'd Swampie ever do to you, anyway?! - Jerky] Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 7 On this day in 457, after setting the stage with a long and complicated series of interlocking backroom conspiracies, Leo I becomes the Byzantine Emperor! Get it? The "Byzantine" emperor? Like, he got to become the Emperor of Byzantium via sneaky and convoluted plotting? No? Well then, fuck you. On this day in 1882, the last heavyweight boxing championship bare-knuckle fight takes place in Mississippi City, Mississippi. Chuck Norris wins it by K.O. in three seconds flat. On this day in 1898, rational truth confronts right-wing zealotry in the trial of French writer Emile Zola, who was accused of libel for writing one of the most controversial and consequential op-ed pieces of all time, J'Accuse. Sadly, zealotry wins, and Zola is forced to flee to England. On the plus side, truth wins the consolation prize: historical vindication. On this day in 1942, a bunch of Croatian Nazis kill 2,300 Serb civilians in Drakulici, Banja Luka. 551 of the victims are children. On this day in 1962, the United States government bans all Cuban imports and exports, which is why yer old pal Jerky has to cross the Canadian border whenever he wants a taste of the finest brand of rum the world has ever known... Havana Club. I'm serious, folks. If you haven't tasted Havana Club, you don't know rum.

THEY SAID IT! "They're treating people here like Arabs." - Wow... that's kinda harsh! *** **** *** "I have been called a misanthrope, but I prefer curmudgeon; it's folksier and less threatening. Misanthrope sounds like you'd have to have gone to college to be one." - Frank Zappa (1940-1993), who lived roughly half as long as he should have.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by David! A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. ATTENTION: You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," She thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal R.B. Gordon for sending in today's second joke. While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas Rancher (whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn' t get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to get the poor stupid bastard off there fast as you can." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Scratch... A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking unto himself a bride. "Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who's a gonna love you like a Momma? Who's a gonna starch-a you socks? Who's a gonna make-a you lasagna?" "Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren't even Italian."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: DO NOT DISPAIR (sic) care of: Mark I am one of the fortunate ones. When I was in eighth and nineth grade, the Fairfax County Virginia school system embarked on a bold experiment in teaching history, but the lessons learned have a much wider application. Rather than use a single text to instruct, our teacher had us use a variety of sources, exploring each event from a multitude of perspectives. Our tests were essays of our personal opinions regarding these events. As long as we were able to correctly identify the event in question, and provide a thoughtful, reflective opinion, we received a passing grade. The content of the opinion was of no consequence. Merely having one after examination of the media was sufficient. This is how I have arrived at the smorgasbord of opinions that make up my personal philosophies. Your publication has done a lot of my work for me. As a seeker of the truth, I am cognizant and aware that the spectrum of information out there is lousy with lies, misinformation, disinformation, paranoid rantings and pure unadulterated bullshit. But out there also lies the truth. It is up to the individual seeking the truth to determine what is what. Our leaders take liberties. They always have, and they always will. It is the rare individual indeed that is able to overcome this very human institution, so rare that to make the attempt can be considered an exercise in futility. In essence, you cannot fight city hall, even when it is corrupt and despotic. And yet, one single voice in my town did so, was put in jail for telling the truth, fought the system, won, and convinced enough voters that he was correct to topple an entrenched mayor and city comission. His name is Dr. Dennis Reeves Cooper, and his publication is Key West: The Newspaper. When you feel the dispair of not making an impact come upon you, research this individual. There is personal inspiration to be obtained by pondering his story. And take heart in the fact that I, a registered Republican, read you publication, carefully consider the information presented, and use this data to mold and shape my own view of the world. I voted for John Kerry, even though the thought of a Massachusetts liberal in the white is anathema. It was a matter of a choice between the lesser of two evils, and the information I gleaned from the Daily Dirt made the difference. Air America is shrill kvetching, and Al Franken is a smug, smirking, arrogant horse's ass. I cannot take more than a few minutes of them before I am ready to retch. Rush is an addicted hypocrite. G. Gordon Liddy is hugely entertaining, but rather out of the mainstream. Colonel North is interesting and thoughtful, but he wears his Christianity on his sleeve, and that is highly bothersome to this practicing Buddhist. Jerky, you're pretty much it. We agree on many social topics, and I listen carefully even when we disagree. Do not dispair. You have value. What you do makes a difference. You dilute your impact by embracing smut, but as far as I am personally concerned, I have no problem with it. It is easy to overlook as a necessary, though crass compromise necessary to fund your forum, and I would be a liar if I said that I had never clicked on your commercial links. Hang in there buddy! We're out here, and we find value in your efforts. - Mark [Thanks, man. I appreciate it. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! OPJ, Just heard on NPR that the War on Terror is no more. It has been re-christened The Long War. I presume it will require a repeal of the two-term amendment. It jogged my memory -- an article a few years ago, maybe linked to from the Dirt, maybe not, called just that, "The Long War". Can you track it down in your archives and give me a link if you find it? I'd like to dredge it up and compare what it said to this new announcement. ACD [According to the Washington Post, contemporary use of the phrase "the Long War" in reference to the current and ongoing crisis originates with General John P. Abizaid. I couldn't find any reference to an article entitled The Long War being linked in the Dirt. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky - If it's against Islam to portray the prophet in pictures, how is it that so many Muslims are able to spot his likeness in these cartoons? Wouldn't that suggest that there are pictures of him somewhere? Jack [That's a damn good point. Now who's gonna tell it to them? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Grandpa Al Lewis has died. I loved this guy. And he would have won if they woulda let him use "Grandpa" on the ballot. YOPMick ["Fuck the FCC!!!" - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Here's my Bollywood Award Holder acceptance speech: "You like me! You really, really like me! Special thanks to BombayTV for giving me a shot, and to Jerky for making the introductions - love ya pal, I wish I could quit you! - uuuh, and thanks to all the actors, cameramen, and especially the composers - awesome tunes, guys... aaah, aaaaand thanks to the any of you motherfuckers I forgot - you know who you are!! (Throws boths arms in the air, an award in each hand.) I got 2 bitches!!" Jack Frost [Congratulations, man. You deserve it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Reading the last couple quotes you have posted from Zappa on your rag, I guess you are telling us that he was a pretentious fucking phony. Regarding, "You can't have progress without deviation from the norm, because if you don't go beyond the norm, you can't have any progress." Well I agree that you cannot have progress without deviation from the current standard. And that is all the freak had to say. Instead he said something like this, "You cannot buy cigarettes without taking money from your wallet, because if you do not take money from your wallet, you cannot buy cigarettes." What a fucking idiot. Sincerely, Bill [I think you aren't reading enough into the word 'deviation' there. But whatever. Zappa was a genius, whether you think so or not. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; On the subject of bad drinks, one time at a friends party I saw a chick mixing brandy and lemon diet pepsi. Mike Mixer [That's bad. Really bad. But I'd drink it, if there was nothing else to drink. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Our government is trying to eliminate the weak in our society, starting with the ill people on fixed incomes (view here), then today the new Medicare part D eliminated an entire class of drugs that allows these people to breathe. The bill referenced above passed on Feb 1st 2006. Kinda sounds like the beginning of a "super race" program, or else just a program to save the money to give tax breaks to wealthy friends. Sparky1 [You can certainly see how a reasonable person might jump to that assumption. - Jerky]

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